Shoot an owl. Go to jail.

I work with some weird people. On Friday, one of my co-workers was in a particularly odd mood. She spent a lengthy bit of time discussing the various pros and cons of different styles of execution and how much she would prefer the gas chamber to the electric chair (Wouldn't we all?). She also relayed her desire to be a bonafide witch, although she seems more interested in just plain having mind control than having to learn a bunch of fancy-pants spells.

Apparently, if she woke up with magic powers, she would continue living her life as she always has, but with the added benefit of forcing people to do embarassing things. Making people trip on nothing and fall on their faces is one example of the tortures this woman would enact. Others include having them say things like, "I eat poop," at inopportune moments and eating their own boogers. My office partner's imagination obviously knows no limits. And she's only a decade older than me!

I am not being serious. If I was handed unlimited supernatural abilities, I would pull money out of thin air, go back in time, make myself invisible, or teleport. I would not spend all day using them to trip people in the halls. That's what string is for. Moreover, I don't see much use in keeping it a big secret. Yes, logically, if I awoke one day with superpowers, someone else also probably got similar ones that they will now be determined to use for evil. At that point, the evil magic person would most likely get busy committing acts of mass terrorism, while I busy myself visiting Groucho Marx. My indifference to the sinister goings-on and the fact that I'd, like, never be around should keep me pretty safe.

This brings up many ethical questions. Would it be wrong of me to ignore the pain of my fellow era while I enjoy myself seeing the great sights of history? One of the most popular time travel scenarios is going back and shooting Hitler. Well, if I did that, what kind of lesson would I be teaching the kids? No, it is my belief that history should be left unscathed by my whims. If I could travel through time, I would do so with the utmost respect for the true outcome of events. If I could pull money out of thin air, I'd give at least thirty percent to charity. If I could teleport, I would still recommend airplane travel to my friends. Statistically speaking, it's still the safest way.

All of this talk is pure buffoonery, and I know it. Sometimes, though, asking these questions is a way to test our own strength of character. What would you do with a million dollars? If you answer pay off all my credit card debts, you're a selfish person. If you had only one wish, what would it be? If you answer a million wishes, you're a cliched person. Which animal would you most like to be? If you answer owl, you're an awesome person. Nobody hunts owls for sport. There's something to think about.